Sober Living

Living with Depression in Recovery

June 6, 2018 by Marya 19 Comments

Living with depression in recovery isn’t easy. And as a person who has struggled with addictions and depression throughout my life, I took the news of Robin Williams’ passing in 2014 hard. Like the passing of Philip Seymour Hoffman earlier that year, it hit very close to home. It reminded me that long term sobriety is no guarantee of freedom of relapse.

I staggered into my first twelve step meeting in 1985 with depression and constant suicidal thoughts running through my mind. The cumulative effects of a dysfunctional childhood, years of binge drinking and PTSD were proving too much for me carry by myself anymore.

I wanted out. Twelve Step meetings were my last ditch attempt to help myself.

At first I wasn’t so sure I even wanted to stop drinking. But I wanted the pain to go away so I listened to what was being said. I put down the drink and went to meetings. At some point during that first year I understood that I had been given a gift and from then on I pursued recovery as hard as I had pursued the high.

It took something like a year to learn to feel comfortable in my skin. I will always remember with gratitude the unconditional love and support I received from the motley crew at the Brooklyn meetings I got sober in.

Because of the rooms of recovery, I started to learn to believe in a Power that was greater than myself. For a while GOD = Group Of Drunks worked for me and a couple of years later I became a Christian. In the rooms I learned “first we came, then we came to, and then we came to believe.”

I’ve been blessed with four children in recovery. We decided to start homeschooling in 1996. With no healthy frame of reference to draw from, I bought many of the recommended parenting books at homeschooling conventions and tried to follow it all.

It all seemed good.

There was only one problem with this…I was slowly trading the unconditional love and grace I got sober with for a lot of rules and “shoulds.” Amidst the constant drone of biblical womanhood, godly families and purity talks, I stopped talking about my past and present struggles. I just pushed it to the background.

No one needed to know. Like the frog slowly simmering in the pot, I didn’t see the danger I was putting myself in. I never felt like I really fit in.

I secretly felt like damaged goods.

You see, “in the rooms” they told me that I could only keep what I had by giving it away. But I had hidden it all away for fear of gossip and judgment. I didn’t talk about the bad memories that I was struggling with or the depression that was engulfing me at times. Three of my four children have special needs of some kind.

Without any supportive extended family, I was completely overwhelmed.

In 2010 I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder similar to Parkinson’s called dystonia. The symptoms came on fast and furious. I was crippled and unable to do much of anything for myself.

Searching online for answers, I found a few stories about people who started drinking upon their diagnosis as well as lots of talk about oral medication. With my past history, I really afraid of risking another dependency.

I also became aware of the suicides in the disability community.

I was in terrible pain and the depression and anxiety went through the roof. I was horrified and wondered where God was in all this. But I set my face to the path ahead of me and was determined to push through this thing.

Living With Depression in Recovery

Since my diagnosis my spiritual journey shifted. I wanted to find the authenticity and grace I knew before. I felt God speaking to my heart that it was okay to be just myself; that I wasn’t going to be able to help anyone else if I was not going to be transparent and real.

Inside I still struggle with bad attitudes, depression, anxiety and fear. But I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to talk about it. I’m not a failure as a Christian, a wife or a mom.

I know that the grace of God is magnified in my struggles and weakness.

Robin Williams’ death has hit me especially hard because he has always been a part of my life and because I understand some of what he was struggling with. I’m also thinking about friends from long ago who were also unable to escape their turmoil. Many of us tried hard to reach out to them but we could see them just slipping away.

Thanks to years of holistic self care, I’m doing physically better now and lead somewhat more of a normal life. I’m always mindful that there is no cure for depression. It’s the monkey on my back now and it’s managed one day at a time.

I still struggle with negative thought patterns, but over time I’ve learned to forge my own path on this journey in a way that works for me. For me that means daily prayer and meditation, living a healthy lifestyle, journaling and resting when I can.

While we can’t always control the depression, we can learn to manage it one day at a time.

My Other Posts about Living With Depression

5 Natural Ways to Overcome Depression

A Mom’s Guide to Coping With Depression

(this post was originally posted in 2014)

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The Ultimate Guide to Stress Reduction

May 21, 2018 by Marya 9 Comments

We live in a crazy busy world where we’re always reachable, a 24 hour news cycle that doesn’t let up, email alerts, as well as advertising.

Not only that, but social media puts us under a lot of pressure to document the perfect Instagrammable or Pinteresting life!

Finally, we’re juggling families, careers and possibly being caregivers as well. At the same time many are struggling to pay off student debts and mortgages. Is it any wonder that we’re more stressed than ever and stress related illnesses are on the rise?

Over the next 30 days, I’ll be sharing lots of stress reduction tips in bite-sized pieces to teach your how to relax more and live more intentionally.

It’s so important for women in every walk and season of life to practice self care and as a special needs mom who lives with chronic illness herself, I have to practice these principles every single day or my health suffers.

I’m personally convinced that my own autoimmune issues partly came as a result of years of frenzied living without taking the time out for self care and relaxation.

Begin today to learn how to relax more and take a more intentional approach to stress reduction.

Believe me, if you don’t plan it will never happen! I’m inviting you join me over the course of the next 30 days to become more intentional about reducing stress in your life.

Every day I’ll have a new tip or idea to share with you on stress reduction.

As we begin, let’s look at how making an intentional effort to relax more can help us reduce stress. Feeling stressed is an ancient biochemical process that has served us well over the course of human history. This process is designed to get us ready for unplanned physical stresses like running away, or fighting.

Now, this coping mechanism definitely has its time and place but if we’re operating in a constant state of stress, it can open the door to a host of unwanted health problems.

We have to find other coping mechanisms and different ways to calm back down and that’s where making an effort to relax more comes in.

Have you ever gone through a period in your life where you drank way too much coffee, diet sodas or energy drinks? At first, that caffeine jolt will wake you up and keep you alert for a couple of hours. But then, as you start to drink more and more throughout the day, it takes larger quantities of caffeine to get the same effect. Your body builds up a caffeine tolerance. And then you NEED it.

It’s the same process with stress. The more often we are stressed, the more adrenaline and other stimulating substances and hormones the body has to dump into our system to get the same reaction. The problem is that being too stressed too often takes its toll on the body.

We need to practice stress reduction on a daily basis. For coffee addiction, there are several things we can do. I’ve personally never been able to give it up completely! But I do keep it to 1-2 cups (and they are big cups…) in the morning. I keep them healthy by not using sugar or processed creamers and prepare keto coffee most mornings.

Learn to Relax More and Stress Less

Stress works the same way. We can down-cycle the hormone release by making an effort to relax more and stress less. Not only will it greatly benefit your overall health, you’ll also feel better without all those extra stimulants coursing through your system 24/7.

I hope you join me on my path of stress reduction by learning to make self care a priority and relax more during the coming 30 days and beyond.

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When Mother’s Day Is Hard

May 4, 2018 by Marya 4 Comments

For some of us, Mother’s Day is hard. I’ve been blessed with a loving husband and four beautiful children but it’s hard not to think about my prenatal losses and toxic family relationships.

If it were up to me, I’d be happy just to take off to the beach for the day and avoid church, restaurants and Facebook where it’s entirely too easy for me to start thinking that I’m the only person who deals with sadness and loss.

For those of us living with dysfunctional, toxic relationships with our mothers the advertisements reminding us to “remember” Mother’s Day leave us with heaviness. People who haven’t experienced this type of difficulty (well, trauma) don’t understand and often admonish us to honor them and forgive them.

And that’s true. We can’t let bitterness destroy us. However some survivors of toxic homes are suffering from bad memories and are possibly living with PTSD. To continue a relationship that is still toxic and abusive is destructive.

Every survivor of abuse has to decide for themselves how much contact they can stand. Some have chosen to continue the relationship, while others have limited contact with heavily enforced boundaries and still others have gone no contact.

It’s important to remember that estrangement isn’t an overnight decision for anyone. It generally comes after years of trying to reconcile only to be on the receiving end of abusive behavior again and again.

How to Cope When Mother’s Day is Hard

*I’ve learned to accept what has happened. Nothing can change the past. but I can choose to be a different kind of parent and there has been healing in that journey for me. In parenting my children, somehow, I learned how to parent myself.

*There is always something to be grateful for. Think of a few of them and take some time to reflect on them. Enjoy who is with you today – whether it be your spouse, your children or your pets. If you are by yourself, treat yourself to a fun movie or make some time for creativity.

*Be good to yourself – If Mother’s Day is hard for you, it’s okay to stay away from places that are triggering, whether it’s a family gathering or even going to church. Make a different plan. It’s really okay. Maybe an “at home” day is what you need. Otherwise, go to the beach, a park or anyplace that helps you to get out of your head and relax. Go out to eat or pick up some great take out to enjoy at home.

*Acknowledge the positive women that God has put in your life. In His love and wisdom, I’ve been blessed with many encouraging older women since I started my walk with him years ago.

*If you send cards, make use of the blank ones – for those with toxic relationships with their mothers, it is excruciatingly painful looking through the happy display of Mother’s Day cards and wondering why things turned out the way that they did for you.

*Stay off Facebook. In fact, consider a digital break. Like other holidays, sometimes seeing all the happy pictures and outings that everyone else seems to have (I know, my perception) but it can be overwhelming.

For adult survivors of abuse, whether it be emotional, mental or physical, Mother’s Day is hard. If you have a person in your life who has chosen limited or no contact with their mother, show them understanding and grace.

It’s hard enough to experience and process the extreme hurt and pain that comes from growing up in such an environment, and then to be judged for taking decisive action to protect yourself just compounds the hurt.

If this is your struggle too, I hope you find peace in your situation. You don’t have to make a big deal about the day if you don’t want. Give yourself grace and do what’s right for you.

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Why Self Care Is Not Selfish

April 27, 2018 by Marya 22 Comments

I’ve seen a couple of blog posts recently trying to make a case that self care is selfish. (Not linking to them because as part of my own self care practice, I try to avoid online drama!) This got me to thinking because as a chronic illness blogger, I write about self care practices frequently. And I strongly believe that self care is not selfish!

Take Care of Yourself First

If you’ve ever flown on an airplane, you’re probably familiar with the safety presentation before take off. Back in olden times this would consist of the flight attendants demonstrating the proper use of seat belts and reviewing important emergency information.

These days however, it’s usually presented as a video on your personal screen. At some point in the presentation, the use of air masks is demonstrated and it’s notable that mothers need to be reminded to put on their own masks before assisting their children.

The reason I mention this is that it’s a powerful reminder to us that we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of everyone else and as moms, we’re very guilty of doing this far too often.

It’s all to easy to take care of everyone else around you and never get around to your own self care. Most of us were taught from an early age to put ourselves last when it comes to self care, and this is especially true for women.

Now, there’s always going to times others have to come first. For example, your newborn doesn’t have a choice and you’ll be sacrificing a lot of time, sleep, and energy in those first few weeks and months. But usually, that’s only for a temporary period.

Self Care for Caregivers

I know that some of you are caregivers to children or have other family members who are in need of assistantance. Some of you may even have a chronic condition while being caregivers to others (like me…) and help is hard to come by.

Special needs moms, sober moms and moms with chronic illness often are living with PTSD while navigating their circumstances. It’s been said that women like us have psychological profiles similar to combat war veterans.

Self care in our situation is tough, but not impossible. You have to be intentional about it and at times, you’ll just have to grab that five minutes or more for self care on the fly when the opportunity presents itself.

Self Care Is Not Selfish

For many of us, taking care of everyone else before ourselves is something we do on autopilot. Learn to become more aware of it and stop putting yourself last all the time.

And when you’re dealing with a high intensity situations it’s certainly a tight rope walk at times. You really have to be intentional in your situation to be able to make a conscious choice about how you’re going to spend your time.

And you know what…it’s perfectly okay and necessary to put yourself first at times. The consequences of putting yourself on the back burner for months or years are very costly. After awhile, there’s really nothing left to give and your health will suffer.

It may feel good to put ourselves last, but when we routinely do it, we’re doing more harm than good to those around us. It causes us to be stressed and exhausted and that’s not pleasant for those who have to live with us! So, self care isn’t selfish!

Self Care is Having New Experiences

When you go outside what’s familiar and look for new experiences, you open yourself up to new adventures. You’ll discover new ways to do things. You’ll also find solutions that you wouldn’t have come up with any other way. As a result, you learn more about yourself and the world around you.

To begin, it’s easy to bring new experiences into your life just by looking for opportunities outside of your usual comfort zone. Try a new restaurant. Drive a different route to work. Volunteer for an organization that you wouldn’t typically support. Take a weekend road trip to someplace new and see where you end up.

Remember that your environment shapes your self-confidence, so don’t be afraid to look around at your life and make some changes. Surround yourself with people and experiences that build up your self worth and make you happy. Distance yourself from toxic friends and family members if you can.

Self Care Is Living Mindfully

Mindful living is one of the best ways to practice self care. Often, anxious thoughts are the result of worrying about the future while sad thoughts are related to regretting the past. Mindful living helps with this mindset because it forces you to stay in the present.

Unless there’s something you can do to change your past, you’ll have to accept what’s happened in your life. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and grieve, and then move on in your own time. But if you find that you’re frequently haunted by your past or always worrying about tomorrow, it might be a good idea to speak to a trained counselor who can help you move on.

How to Practice Self Care

Starting today, make an effort to carve out some time for yourself. Do one thing for yourself, even if it’s just enjoying a quiet cup of coffee alone, or catching an extra 20 minutes of precious sleep. Investing time for self care matters. Do this more often and see for yourself how powerful the impact can be!

Practical Self Care Ideas

Go outside for a walk.
Do some YouTube Yoga.
Take a hot shower and indulge in some at home spa goodies.
Visit your favorite coffee shop.
Curl up in bed and take a solid nap.
Meditate for 10 minutes. (Yoga nidra is especially soothing!)
Find a coloring book that you love and can grab in a minute.
Stay off social media.
Listen to calming music.
Journal your thoughts.
Put on yoga pants and fuzzy socks.
Healthy food choices…do try to avoid alcohol.
Read some scripture.
Listen to an uplifting podcast.

Gentle reminder – if you’re a woman with chronic illness, please check with your doctor before beginning a new exercise program!

What’s your favorite way to practice self care? Leave a message in the comments below?

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Ditch Holiday Depression by Paying It Forward

November 2, 2017 by Marya Leave a Comment

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” – Luke 6:31, NIV

Anna’s day was off to a rough start. She overslept and was late getting the kids out the door. Traffic was backed up and she realized she forgot to charge her smartphone’s battery. With no time to make coffee, she stopped at a drive through but when she went to pay her bill, the cashier let her know that the customer ahead of her had already paid her bill.

This simple act of kindness brought a smile to Anna’s face. Suddenly the day seemed a little better. So she decided to pay it forward and bought a cup of coffee for the person in line behind her. And for the rest of the day, she tried to look for little ways that she could help to brighten someone else’s day.

The holidays can be one of the difficult times of year for people who struggling with depression or are grieving. If you know that holidays are a hard time for you, start to think now about how you might pay it forward and do some random acts of kindness.

If you’re stuck for ideas, try doing one of these things:

Pay for the coffee of the person behind you.
Leave a big tip for your server.
Write a sweet note and put it in your child’s backpack.
Give a stranger a simple compliment.
Call or message a friend going through a hard time.
Invite friends who might be alone during the holidays over for coffee or a holiday meal.

Kindness doesn’t cost much and it only takes a few minutes to start a chain reaction of giving. The world needs it.

God, help me find small ways to give back to others. Show me how I can cheer up those around me who might be struggling.

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Thoughts on Going Home Again (Part 2)

July 29, 2015 by Marya Leave a Comment

This is a less serious post than my first one, and is just my random observations and pics of my trip to NYC in June.

1. When I was diagnosed with dystonia in 2010 I really thought I’d never be able to do something like this again. I didn’t think I could handle the car ride or the walk. I also worried about reactions to my head tremor (a “no” shake when it’s active). It was totally exhilarating for me to be able to keep up the pace in the subway and in midtown. I also found it kept the solicitors away since they thought I was shaking my head no at them.

2. NYC is as wild and crazy as ever and I still love it. The energy and diversity is like no place else.

3. The subway still smells the same…sweat, moisture and urine.

4. My legs are not they same after 20 years of living in flat Florida and never having to use steps or walk long distances. They felt black and blue at the end of the day. I can’t believe I used to do this all the time and understand why I gained 10 lbs. when I moved to Tampa.

5. The man bun trend needs to go away. It became almost ubiquitous once we got into the Village and I started counting them as we walked.

6. My old neighborhood is exactly the same as I remembered except the shopping center. It is still a beautiful area. I liked seeing the senior citizens out and about by themselves. Bell Boulevard is still hopping. I used to think Northern Boulevard was like Queens Boulevard and was surprised at how much smaller everything seemed.

7. The variety of food is still incredible and I will always miss that. However, I did find myself missing the cleanliness and the produce section of Publix.

8. My dear friends are still crazy after all these years and I guess I am too. Together, we stared down our old demons and triggers. We all had things going on that the others weren’t aware of. We talked and mostly laughed our way through it with each other. We are still as warped as ever. There’s nothing like the kids you grew up and it is very special to be able to maintain friendships for that long.

9. I quickly reacclimated to the crappy Queens apartment experience. The fuse blew every time I used the microwave. All the windows in the apartment faced brick walls. Garbage piled up outside. Having to do the laundry in the basement while watching my back. No central A/C. But I did enjoy walking down the street while hearing four or five different languages and visiting the mom and pop shops on Metropolitan Avenue.

10. Said goodbye (at least temporarily) to my beloved FAO Schwarz. Supposedly they are looking for a new location.

It was a great time and hopefully it won’t be another 20 years before I visit again.

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Thoughts On Going Home Again (Part 1)

July 12, 2015 by Marya 3 Comments

The last week of June I took a road trip home to NYC with friends who I had not seen in something like 20 -30 years. We grew up in Bay Terrace, Queens. It’s a beautiful and relatively affluent area on the northern shore of Queens, just east of the Throgs Neck Bridge. My parents moved us from danky, dangerous south Jamaica to Bayside in 1974. I’m sure they thought they were doing the best thing for us.

But I never really adjusted to the neighborhood. Although I am of mixed Jewish heritage, I did not identify as Jewish and felt out of place in the heavily Jewish neighborhood. My family relationships were distant and turbulent. From a very young age I’d learned to isolate myself and not reveal what was going on inside. I’d had some Catholic upbringing and went to a Christian school for a few years but God was distant and not real to me. These factors led to my falling prey to the neighborhood temptations. Lots of kids messed around to a degree but for me it was always a step further than those around me and with frequently disastrous consequences.

I left the neighborhood at the age of 17 after being thrown out of the house. I came back briefly, only to be thrown out again. The third time my parents had thrown out all my things and moved to a smaller apartment but were notified by the state that since I was still under age, they were supposed to support me. And so I got a mattress in the back of the couch to sleep on.

Desperate for privacy but with minimal education to find a decent job so I could move out, I wound up in still another dysfunctional living situation before finally finding a safe place in Manhattan for a few years and then finally moving to Brooklyn in 1985, which set the stage for the positive changes that were to come in my life once I sought help and removed myself from the people, places and things that were causing me to self destruct.

So why did I go back? Seeing old pics of the neighborhood on Facebook reminded me that there was good and beauty around me as I was growing up even if I was too sick to see it at the time. I have lifelong friends from Bayside who I still enjoy talking to. I knew my friends on the trip would support me. Somehow I wanted to stare the bad memories down and find redemption in the mess.

I saw a lot of places and things that were triggers in one way or another in the past. But most of the memories don’t hurt any more. I have a new awareness now that God always had my back, even though He did allow me to hit the ground very hard over the years until I was ready to make some changes. There were really so many ways I could have died while engaging in the reckless behavior that was the hallmark of my late teens/early 20s. I’ve known others who did not make it and I understand I am here by His grace alone.

We then went to the WTC memorial. I didn’t know how I would feel, or how I was even supposed to feel. I didn’t lose anyone on 9/11 but I did work in the south tower in the 1980s, and about five years in the general downtown area. I worked on the 46th floor of the south tower. My boss’s office faced NewYork Harbor and I used to sneak in there whenever I could just to put my face against the glass and look out.

I watched everything on TV like everyone else but it has seemed very surreal to me over the years. Our cab flew past Trinity Church and I could only catch a quick glimpse of it. That church was a very special place of peace that I used to sneak off to in the 1980s when I was struggling. Trinity Church miraculously managed to survive 9/11 and was able to remain open for the first responders and others who were working the site.

I couldn’t cry, couldn’t place my emotions. Walking through the strange white hallway made me think about all the people who jumped. And when I got to the hole in the ground that is the remnant of the south tower I walked the perimeter of the memorial, dragging my fingers along the names inscribed. When I saw the names of the 343 firefighters, their battalions and the police department, I did cry a bit. But what I felt most strongly was just nausea and a strange feeling of disjointedness. I then spent some time just sitting on one of the benches and looking at Freedom Tower, the new reality. It’s still hard for me to swallow that the beloved twin towers are no longer there.

I left feeling that I had paid my respects to the victims but the strange, disjointed feeling continues. I do hope I can go back again and take my time there.

The second part of this post…the lighter side (we really did have a blast) will be published in a couple of days.

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